Shopping in the wrong pair of shoe

Have you ever had a pair of shoes that you hung onto even though they were virtually unwearable? Shoes that pinch, with awkward heels or bits that rub against the back of your foot? I've had shoes with nails that come through the bottom, straps that make the arch bleed, and still, I keep them around. And when I wear them- pray you are not in my company. I get distracted, unable to focus on your talk. I become cranky, impatient. Shopping decisions are rushed, great bargains overlooked. I may be carrying on an inner dialogue, cursing the shoes, cursing my feet, cursing the very floor I walk on.

Come home, take them off, put my feet up. Time to get rid of those shoes, wouldn't you agree?

Externalizing Conversations- Welcome to the Better Shoe Store

Last issue, we looked at Externalizing conversations, and the idea of making the problem separate from the person. Today's metaphor of shoes (prompted no doubt by last month's holiday shopping) will be applied to problems of mood, and a personal relationship with moods that cause discomfort to us.

If we think we've learned to be weak, dependant or indecisive (fill in the blank, here)- then we need to study something new, change our behaviour and apply self-discipline to avoid going back to old habits.

If we think of ourselves as having hidden depths and problems with causes unknown to us, then we will need someone to help us peel back our layers, and interpret us to ourselves.

All these models for understanding personal difficulties of mood and thinking place the problem inside us,  and require we do something to ourselves, with some expert help, to make us different, or at least , behave differently.

I don't want to argue with a biological explanation, or a social explanation, or even, really, with the root-causes explanation- because all of these explanations may have some value. But we may be using them to explain the wrong thing- diagnosing and treating ourselves, instead of diagnosing and treating the problem.

It's like having a toe cut off, instead of buying better fitting shoes.

And that just doesn't sound like very much fun to me.

What happens if we go along with the idea that the Problem the problem, and apply our thinking to that? If it is the problem that is the problem then, for me at least, the project becomes a little bit more interesting, and possibly a lot less painful.

We can then use the models of biology, social learning and psychoanalysis to answer the question: "What is keeping this problem alive and well? What makes it such a powerful influence?"

Let's take an example- I'll pick a popular one: Depression. Now let's apply our explanation models to see what we might discover.

Biological factors: Depression, we may discover, thrives in the dark, on a poor diet and little exercise. Some breeds of Depression thrive on very little sleep, and try to keep us up all night. Or, it may be a hibernating breed, preferring to sleep most of the day and night. It may prefer a particular shape and style of body to live in, and will do its best to get us to provide it with that type of body. It is generally slothful, and loathes exercise. It hates fresh air, sunshine (real or artificial) and most forms of pampering. You may know other things about Depression's biology- these are just examples.

Social-Learning explanations: By investigating the life story of Depression, we may learn what age we were when it first moved into our lives. We can find out if it entered adolescence when we did, and if it ever grew up. Or perhaps it has always been MUCH older than we are, with a 'wisdom' that is difficult to counter. We may learn what social habits or activities encouraged its presence- and we might come to understand that Depression is welcome and familiar in our parent's home- that there is a place set for it at dinner, and that it contributes regularly to the conversations. We might discover that Depression loves alcohol, or prefers women to men as its bosom companions. We might see that Depression came to be a companion in our lives when something shocking and out of our control happened in our childhood. We might come to see that Depression grew stronger with each rejecting experience at school, or each crisis in our family. We might also realize that Depression is a diligent journal keeper- recording each highlight in it dark history in never-fading ink, and preferring to ignore any pleasant times or our personal achievements. Depression records its own achievements and successes- it can be very self-absorbed.

Psychoanalysis: We can take Depression to analysis- talk about how its relationships to family members, what lessons it learned, and from whom. We can certainly find out how Depression feels about its history, uncover its sense of the future. We can explore how it views others and whether or not it likes to hang around with Suspicion, Worry or Criticism as mates. We can interview Depression and find out what it thinks about itself. We can put it on medication if that seems right, or subject it to other recommended treatments. 

What those shoes get me doing

As we study Depression we can also notice our ideas and relationship to it. We could notice how close we are to Depression, how intimately it sits with us. We might notice how often Depression is monopolizing our conversations, both with ourselves and with others. We could notice how often we are doing what Depression wants to do, instead of we might like. We might even find that Depression is so in charge of our schedule that we have forgotten what we like to do, and have set those things completely aside. We might attend to how many of our friends Depression has dropped and who Depression prefers to hang out with.

Because with this shift in how we think, from "I am Depressed" to "I am living with Depression", we can find that we are, in fact, in relationship. And as I noted in the last issue- relationships are subject to change.

Leave the shoes at the door

Why do I like to play this game?

It might sound like a little trick of words, an exercise of Imagination- and words and Imagination certainly help. But it is more than that...

In my work with people I have seen how this works- how taking the problem from its place 'inside' and putting it 'outside' changes many things- mostly how it makes room for Hope. Because there are very few of us who can effectively operate on and change our own insides- we take a pill in the hope that it will do its job, we visit a dentist to fill a cavity. We even work out and change our eating habits, in the hope that some internal process with alter and give us the results we want. But in all those efforts, we are relying on something to happen that is largely outside our control.

But making changes on things outside ourselves, changing our relationships- we have more options there, more room for action that we ourselves can decide on and take. That is a little easier. Not easy, exactly, but definitely easier.